sliced bread #2

Some look at things that are, and ask why. I dream of things that never were and ask why not.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

the love of the aesthetic...

--------------------

O, how much more doth beauty beauteous seem
By that sweet ornament which truth doth give:
The rose looks fair, but fairer we it deem
For that sweet odor which doth in it live.
- William Shakespeare, Sonnet LIV

--------------------


so the journal... *cough*... blog... has a new look...

eric said that the old site was dry and drab... i can't remember the exact term he used, but it was something about resembling a highschool kid's first foray in html coding... so i decided to give up a good night's sleep and transfer things over so it could look all pretty... it's funny what we do in the name of "making it look good"... of course, it's not like anyone really cares, i really don't know who reads this stuff besides the people i insist on forcing to do so... (i love you all, by the way)...


and speaking of doing ridiculous things to look good, i went to the gym today... i really like the YMCA, it's not as pretentious as the other gyms i've been to, where it's usually more than obvious that it's a meat market... at least i can concentrate on what i'm supposed to be doing -- working out... but today... good Lord! i almost dropped the weights a few times... i hadn't planned on doing shrugs, but my traps and neck still got a good workout, if you know what i mean...



so the topic for today's pontification: beauty and the love of the aesthetic...


of course, it's stating the obvious that we're obsessed with looks in this day and age... in fact... not even "in this day and age"... maybe it's wired into our brains... that's what some evolutionary psychologists and cognitive scientists would have us believe... and maybe there's a point to it... supposedly, beauty is a sign of health, and natural selection promotes the strongest and the fittest...

but that doesn't explain how we develop our sense of the aesthetically pleasing... are we conditioned to adopt certain notions of "beautiful", whether by culture, society, peer pressure, or family? or is there an underlying connection between different senses of beautiful? in the words of plato, is there a form of "beauty" that exists independently of its particulars?

yes, these are all rhetorical questions... i can't really explain to you why i find blonde hair and blue eyes attractive... or why we like shiny and sparkly things... why blue is my favourite colour... but of course, these preferences, if you want to call them that, are not rigid... i always joke with my friends that i eat from the international buffet... i look as good in red as i do in blue... and i appreciate impressionism for its subtlety as much as i enjoy surrealism for its imaginative fantasticality (yes, i made that word up)...

we'd all like to say that everyone's beautiful in every single way... but really... as jim carrey said in "liar, liar", that's just something ugly people say to make themselves feel better... LOL... ok, i'm kidding... no one's "ugly"... i think it's more the case that they just don't happen to be beautiful in the eyes of the particular beholder making that judgment at the time...

but, despite those egalitarian sentiments, we still have to discriminate in life... such a dirty word, it seems... but we do it all the time... we pick out clothes and homes and things and friends and partners and spouses based on a certain sense of attraction... "aesthetic" is not restricted to the physical, but encompasses the range of judgments we make about our particular "object"... i suppose, if we can't have perfection, we can at least try to find small doses of it in the world around us...


but i'd like more than a dose of what i saw at the gym...


come to think of it...


"dear santa..."

--------------------


Current mood: flushed
Current music: Alanis Morissette -- Ironic

Sunday, November 28, 2004

I'm a kid-ager riding the Hasselfhoff!



--------------------


"Youth is wasted on the young."



it's been a very kiddish weekend... i watched the "spongebob squarepants" movie with anthony and natalie on friday... unlike last week's freak-out, i don't mind talking about this movie... i was in tears by the end of it and couldn't breathe from laughing... despite its sheer stupidity and inaneness and (since i've only ever seen one episode) having anthony explain the characters to me the whole time, it was time well spent esp. away from the daily grind as of late... *if* i smoked weed, i don't think i would've been able to stop giggling... anthony is one of the few people who i'm seriously not afraid to be stupid with... and i think, after having had him clean up one of my post-drinking "accidents", there's not many ppl i can be closer with...


i spent saturday doing chores and homework and blowing money on DVDs... i felt like a teenager again... speaking of which, i had dinner with erick last night and then we met up with daniela and magda for drinks... it's funny to think about having been friends with them for more than half of erick's age... just as i never would have thought erick and i would be as close now when i first met him a year ago, i never really did imagine being friends with daniela and magda still... i sat beside daniela and got her number back in grade 7 only so that i could call someone for homework assignments while i was at the gifted programme... and a bunch of us crashed magda's 13th b-day party uninvited... those were our earliest memories together... ha ha... despite anything else life will bring, i can count on the 3 of us growing old together... *sniff*


i guess it just goes to show what really matters in life... they say the true friends are the ones who know about your most embarassing stories and still love you for it... i spent this weekend with some of those really great ones... it truly felt like reliving my childhood (which probably explains me and erick driving around and blasting holiday music and wishing people on the street a "merry christmas")... and no, there's nothing wrong with being silly and reminiscing about great memories... and all the while creating new ones to cherish...


erick and i pumped the gino beats on the ride home...

and i dreamt about pulling down daniela, invicta bag and all, on her back, flopping around like a turtle =)


"Bring back those simple times of yesterday
When a man was a man
And a friend was a friend
Bring back those simple times of yesterday
When you said what you meant
And you meant what you said"





did you know today is the 333rd day of the year?


--------------------


Current mood: nostalgic
Current music: N Sync -- Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Smile =)

--------------------



I woke up this morning,
The sunshine was shining
I put on my happy face
I'm living, I'm able,
I'm breathing, I'm grateful
To put on my happy face

Woke up and realized
This world's not
So bad after all
Looked at it through
A child's eyes, and
I saw these beautiful
Things that you
Never think about
Like the ocean, moonlight,
Stars and clouds
It's amazing how
We don't appreciate
Our blessings
There's plenty of people
Who don't like me
But there's ten times more
Who love me and
I love myself
Sometimes, it gets tough,
It gets tough
But I can't give up,
Can't give up
Just take a deep breath,
Close my eyes
Feel the love and
Give a smile




Christmas is a month away!!!
Loving the holiday music on the radio =)


--------------------

Current mood: cheerful
Current music: Destiny's Child -- Happy Face


Tuesday, November 23, 2004

"pitched but got ditched"...

--------------------


"Hi there, cute stuff!

My name is **** and I think you're really hot!
I am a television producer and my company is
shooting a new reality TV dating show that
we think you'd be perfect for. If you are
interested please e-mail me back. Thanks."



flattering, eh?


of course, i'm quite skeptical of this whole thing so i made sure to check out said company and show before making any commitments... despite some apprehension, i figured it's harmless fun and i agreed to be on as a "guest"... which translated to being on camera and doing a striptease for 30 seconds for someone that i just met at that point... i got to know more about the other "contestants" in the "green room" than i did about the potential "date"... well, i didn't get picked, but i *did* get a free drink and a lovely parting gift -- a trucker hat emblazoned with the subject line above :P

nevertheless, it was an interesting experience to say the least...


which brings me to my rant for the day...


what makes us do these weird silly things? of course, there was the interest in maybe meeting someone that could potentially be "the one"... but who really believes that would've happened on a TV show? so was it more the thought of "hey, i'm on TV, i'm cool", harking back to those days of highschool when we'd stand around the muchmusic studio downtown hoping the camera would pan over and focus on us for 10 seconds?


but really now...


i think there were a few things that i was reminded of by this short experience (of course, it didn't feel all that short standing around in that "green room" with the assistants telling us "we'll be on in 5 minutes, i promise"... only they had said the same thing for the past 30 minutes)...

anyway...


we want our 15 minutes of fame... no matter how "shy" someone claims to be, there's always at least some part of them that wants the spotlight for at least one moment in their life... now, i obviously don't think this was it for me, there's only bigger and better things ahead, but i think that was definitely a motivation... heck, i'd go on the show again if i were the "picker" next time...

we want to feel validated... there's that cliché of being the last one picked at dodgeball... it's happened to the best of us... no matter how much someone protests, there's always at least some part of them that wants to be "chosen"... to be someone's "it"... of course, this was by no means intended to be a confirmation of my worth as a person... far from it... but i definitely believe that all of us have as at least part of our daily motivation the idea that who we are and what we do will get other people to appreciate us and like us...

finally, for me, it definitely confirmed the risk-taking aspect of my personality... i love experiencing new things and having interesting stories to tell... i'm happy i did it and look forward to other and more exciting new things to try... while i'm not about to wear that trucker hat around anywhere anytime soon, i won't shy away from that experience...




"Hey Paul, we really enjoyed having you on as well!
You were great! We are shooting some more shows
come January and will definitely contact you to be
on as a main guest. Thanks again!"



see? it pays to be nice =)


--------------------

Current mood: amused
Current music: Christina Aguilera -- Dirty

Saturday, November 20, 2004

*stretch*



--------------------


"I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows ...
If I fail, if I succeed ... At least I live as I believe..."



oddly enough... this is the first saturday that i haven't any plans and i don't really care... i stayed up pretty late last night working on my research methodology report... i've been vegetating this afternoon for the most part... and again, i don't care =)


sometimes, it's just good to chill...


i've had a pretty good and productive week overall... things are moving along with the conference planning and the NYC trip... i'm getting free money (a/k/a bursaries) from the school and the government... and it's the final stretch before the "E" word... everyone's stressing at school cuz exams are coming up... i just can't believe this month and this term are over!


geez... first semester of law school is almost done... seems like only yesterday we were learning how to figure out the difference between "ratio decendi" and "obiter dictum"... i can't wait until next semester... so many more fun things to look forward to =)



OH!


and christmas is a month away!!!


--------------------


Current mood: accomplished
Current music: Whitney Houston -- Greatest Love of All

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

my eternal dilemma...


--------------------


What, if some day or night a demon were to steal after you into your loneliest loneliness and say to you: "This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more; and there will be nothing new in it, but every pain and every joy and every thought and sigh and everything unutterably small or great in your life will have to return to you, all in the same succession and sequence - even this spider and this moonlight between the trees, and even this moment and I myself. The eternal hourglass of existence is turned upside down again and again, and you with it, speck of dust!"

Would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who spoke thus? Or how well disposed would you have to become to yourself and to life to crave nothing more fervently than this ultimate eternal confirmation and seal?

[from Nietzsche's "The Gay Science"]


--------------------


this was epitomized in the movie "Groundhog Day", and while that may have been a romantic comedy at the end of the day, it still brings alive the possible nightmare of waking up to and reliving the same drudgery and minutiae and heartache over and over, ad infinitum... unless one is so enamored with life itself that that possibility is not so much a nightmare, but a joy to imagine and to look forward to... do we cherish each moment enough that, if we had to relive our entire lives all over again (and again and again), we wouldn't hesitate to do so?


what would it take for us to embrace life as such?


--------------------


“This is my way; where is yours?’ –
thus I answered those who asked me ‘the way.’
For the way – that does not exist.”


--------------------




Current mood: mellow
Current music: Richard Strauss -- Also Sprach Zarathustra

why i love "contracts" [and law school] =)

--------------------


i love legal speak and how it turns our common sense of things into something complicated: see Electronic Commerce Act, 2000, S.O. 2000,
c. 17 [http://www.e-laws.gov.on.ca:81/ISYSquery/IRL144.tmp/2/doc]


--------------------

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

What do I want?


--------------------


a world with the fair distribution of wealth and resources that facilitate global health care and education... a world where differences are celebrated instead of alienating...


(big pause)


and "world peace"...



but with regards to you?


you and I having a romantic relationship is not an option... you and I having a sexual relationship is not an option (and never was, apparently)... you and I being friends is very questionable at this moment because I had wanted to be with you and for you to be with me as a relationship partner... but your (lack of) expression of your sexuality is clearly linked completely to your desires for love and a relationship... so I really have no desire to open that Pandora's Box again...


friendship is even a problem at this point because we weren't really friends yet we have had a romantic relationship... is it possible to develop a "just a friendship"? wouldn't all these feelings just cause great stress and tension? there is the question that is posed in "When Harry Met Sally": the moment sex/romance enters the picture, do things get screwed up? can it become something else?


what you were looking for and what I was looking for when we met was very different... you cannot change me and I cannot change you... nor should we try... I think I have been very honest and clear about my desires and have in no way been misleading... we each have different needs and expectations... how much these two circles can overlap is questionable... how much common ground do we have that allows for us to be in each other's lives in a positive way that helps growth to occur and not cause pain?



what do I want? I want people in my life where there is mutual respect and caring... I want people in my life who measure themselves by the character of who they are on the inside and not on the trappings of a materialistic shallow external society... I want people who I can laugh with... I want people with whom I can share a good book, movie, or CD... I want people in my life who can see the power and beauty of the moments we spend with each other and not have to always question "where is this going"?




OH!



and "world peace"...



--------------------



i don't know the person who wrote that... but i took liberties with the original note and channeled my thoughts into it... no, this journal is not addressed to anyone... but in a way, it is... it's addressed to him, at this moment... but it's also addressed to him/her, whomever it may be that comes along next... this is who i am... and this is what i want...


--------------------

Current mood: calm
Current music: Frank Sinatra -- My Way

Monday, November 15, 2004

anger management...

--------------------


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Mischievous -- even naughty -- thoughts pop into your mind at
inopportune moments. You feel tempted to throw caution to the
winds and act on them. Take care -- if you choose to misbehave,
any regrets you have will show immediately. The stars are eager
for you to do what's right. Spend some time with people you love
and who love you. Things will start to get much clearer after that.



"I'm FINE - Freaked-out, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional..."



i whipped an orange yesterday... i wanted it to splatter...
but i didn't hit anything...


so i ran over it with my car in the parking lot...


my friend asked if i was imagining it to be someone...



i'm not sure...


--------------------


Current mood: crazy
Current music: Limp Bizkit -- Break Stuff

Sunday, November 14, 2004

*aaaahhhhh*

--------------------

"A fool often fails because he thinks what is difficult is easy,
and a wise man because he thinks what is easy is difficult."
-- John Churlton Collins



i hate research...
i feel stupid...
and overwhelmed...

and this is just preparing a "methodology report"...

g-d forbid when i actually have to *read* this stuff and analyze it...


law school term exams are less than a month away... did i mention they're all worth 100%? i haven't the stomach for any more reading... one more case brief and i'll pull out my hair... wait... i don't have any to pull... ugh!


--------------------


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Try not to get caught up in your impulses right now. It's important for you to act appropriately, not to simply react when swept away by a strong emotion. If someone else jumps off of a bridge, don't feel like you have to follow suit. Consider yourself the designated driver at all times. Your responsible side knows right from wrong, so trust your voice of reason.


--------------------


maybe i will pick up and move to a deserted island as i had originally planned after all... it'll just be a bitch to update this journal when i'm there...


--------------------


Current mood: stressed
Current music: Third Eye Blind -- Jumper

Saturday, November 13, 2004

simple pleasures...



--------------------


went out with the boys last night... i was told that, "of all the people here, you're the one in most need to let loose tonight"... so we did... sort of... not that i haven't been out over the past few weekends anyway... it's been a forced distraction as of late... but again, when you're out with friends, it all makes for a fun time... note to self: vodka that tastes like water is bad!

and yet soooooo good... ha ha...


new idea for a corporate slogan:
"McD's breakfast: the ultimate cure for a hangover"

i can't believe eruco got in w/o getting checked and *I* got ID'ed!!!


wait... that's a good thing... i still look fresh at 22 =)


well, despite wasting half the day sleeping off the buzz, i still managed to get stuff done... i think i've found my new "moment of zen" activity: shopping for fruit... there's just something about inhaling the sweet scent and seeing the vibrant colours and feeling the funky textures of the produce aisle that... i dunno... makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside... never mind that they were playing xmas music already =)


i don't know when i'm gonna manage to write 80+ cards...


*hums "Little Drummer Boy"*

--------------------

Friday, November 12, 2004

brave... or stupid...?



--------------------


"...your words and performances are no kin together."
-- William Shakespeare (Othello)


Of all Shakespeare's villains, Iago seems to be the most complete and sadistic, with no greater motive than wounded pride for his wickedness. But the character most discussed by critics continues to be Othello. Is he an honorable, tragic hero who is ennobled by the unsuspecting confidence he places in his advisor, Iago? Or is he nothing more than a vulnerable, murderous and tragic fool? Othello himself recognizes this extraordinary paradox when, at the end of the play, he describes himself as "an honourable murderer"; as "one that loved not wisely but too well."


from an e-mail received:

"I'd still like you to come Saturday night.
Confirm preferably via text message by mid-day
tomorrow. I'll be picking up the tickets then."



i suppose i really don't know any better... i'm knowingly walking into a Shakesperean tragedy, and i'm not just talking about attending the performance... what is it that i'm trying to prove? to who?

that i'm better? because, despite not being able to stand the thought of him right now, i would still go out with him? that i'm so "mature" and so much a "bigger" person as to be able to forgive and move on?




"I remember a mass of things, but nothing distinctly; a quarrel, but nothing wherefore. O God, that men should put an enemy in their mouths to steal away their brains!"


--------------------


Current mood: awake
Current music: Usher -- U Don't Have to Call

Thursday, November 11, 2004

On the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month...


--------------------


we take a lot of things for granted... that's demonstrated just by the very fact that i can get on this forum and rant and rave about what i want and when i want without (or at least very little) fear of reprisal... for all that's been said about the "evils" of Western Civilization (esp. in recent years, ad nauseam, etc...), we can't forget that we have what we have because this world and our reality has been shaped in this context... there's still a lot of work to do... but lest we forget, there are millions of men and women who have sacrificed so we can enjoy the freedoms that we enjoy (and yes, "freedom" in all its qualifications, entendres, contradictions, and inconsistencies, but it *is* freedom nonetheless)... the question is, have we learned from our past, or are we doomed to repeat history's mistakes?


--------------------


"Imagine" -- John Lennon


Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one


--------------------


"In Flander's Fields" -- John McCrae

In Flander's fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie,
In Flander's fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flander's fields.


--------------------


"Heal the World" -- Michael Jackson

We could fly so high
Let our spirits never die
In my heart I feel
You are all my brothers
Create a world with no fear
Together we'll cry happy tears
See the nations turn
Their swords into plowshares
We could really get there
If you cared enough for the living
Make a little space to make a better place.


--------------------

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Boys are stupid... Throw rocks at them :P






--------------------


Geeve (gēv), v.

1. Having no particular interest or concern; apathetic

2. Having no marked feeling for or against

3. Not mattering one way or the other

4. Characterized by a lack of partiality; unbiased

5. Not active or involved; neutral


--------------------



Pisces (Feb. 20 — March 20)

You must deal with something that cannot be ignored, or avoided, or even properly understood. You have to know why things are as they are, for how can you set about changing them otherwise? A precious explanation will inspire you to get around a stubborn, longstanding obstacle.



--------------------

Suggestions on How to Live a Happy Life

--------------------



Take time to smell the roses.
Take a nap on Sunday afternoon.
Drink 8 glasses of water a day.
Never deprive someone of hope… it may be all they have.
Be thankful for every meal.
Don’t be afraid to say… “I’m sorry”
Don’t take health for granted.
Don’t interrupt.
Don’t tailgate.
Improve your performance… by improving your attitude.
Wave at children on the school bus.
Listen to your children.
Leave everything a little better than you found it.
Leave the toilet seat in the down position.
Keep it simple.
Keep good company.
Keep your promise.
Be kinder than necessary.
Take good care of those you love.
Make a habit of doing nice things… for people who will never find out.
Wear outrageous underwear under the most formal business attire.
Vote.
Be a good loser.
Be a good winner.
Be romantic.
Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring and integrity…
they think of you.
Enjoy real maple syrup.
Never refuse homemade brownies.
Never give anyone a fruit cake.
Remember people’s birthdays.
Sing in the shower.
Don’t nag.
Don’t gossip.
Don’t expect money to bring you happiness.
Be forgiving of yourself and others.
Never give up on anyone… miracles happen everyday.
Say thank you a lot.
Say please a lot.
Take your dog to obedience school… you’ll both learn a lot.
Slow dance.
Don’t rain on other people’s parade.
Don’t postpone joy.
Stop blaming others.
Take responsibility for every aspect of your life.
Take care of your reputation… it’s your most valuable asset.
Count your blessings.
Whistle.
Marry only for love.
Call your mother.
Do more than is expected.
Be there when people need you.
Be someone’s hero.
Support your community.
Support it generously with your time and money.
Give to United Way.



--------------------



Current mood: grateful
Current music: Alanis Morissette -- Thank You

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

the importance of being earnest


--------------------


"The truth is rarely pure and never simple.
Modern life would be very tedious if it were either,
and modern literature a complete impossibility!"
-- Oscar Wilde


i took a rare "break" today and skipped the ritual of going to the library in favour of "mingling"... you know it's pretty bad when your fellow law students call you a "nerd" and tell you to relax... actually, that's a misconception of theirs... i'm a lazy bum really... half of the time i spend in the library is wasted doing the dumbest things... chatting on msn... downloading music... checking e-mail... and yes, writing journals :P


anyway, we took a walk through the main campus, outside the confines of the hallowed halls of the law school... and so, of course, the question came up: "are we really that different? or are we just being pretentious?"

one colleague expressed the frustration [?] of feeling that she has to "hide" the fact that she's in law school... "other people get intimidated... especially guys..." when they find out who you are and what you do...


why is it that she feels the need to be (dare i say?) apologetic for her accomplishment? is it that ppl have such a bad perception of lawyers (and, as a corollary, law students)? or is it that we don't want to seem pretentious by actually acknowledging, with pride, our discipline?


is it pretentious really? if i wore a hoodie around with my school name emblazoned on it, would i be a priss? if i'm meeting new ppl and introducing myself and what i do, should i just be mumbling "i go to law school"?


i'll be the first to admit that i have a bit of an elitist mentality... but in a meritocracy such as ours, why shouldn't one be proud of what they've accomplished? and more importantly, why shouldn't one be proud of what they want to accomplish?


this is who i am... this is what i do... deal with it...
i don't mean that in any sense of "holier-than-thou"...

but like that proverbial doctrine in tort, you take the subject as he is... and this is me... a law student... a future member of the legal profession... with all his quirks and foibles and duties and responsibilities and thoughts and emotions... this is me... this is a big part of me... but this isn't all of me...

i don't intend to "intimidate" anyone by making that declaration... i don't pretend that i'm smarter or better or more valuable as a person... i give ppl the respect they are afforded... what's due of their character and their actions...

it's unfortunate that some would feel the need to try to "keep up" or just give up altogether... but no, i'm not going to hide it... but neither am i going to hire a skywriter... i am not reducible to one role (or the perceptions/ assumptions/ preconceptions that flow from that)... i just want to be accepted and understood (and, dare i say, loved?) for who i am...


is that being pretentious? or just being too earnest?


--------------------

other things i've learned...

--------------------

...you cannot make someone love you...
all you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...


...no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses...


...it takes years to build up trust...
and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it...


...whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed...


...you shouldn't compare yourself to others...
they are more screwed up than you think...


...depression is merely anger without enthusiasm...


...it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off...


...don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things...


...ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back...


...age is a very high price to pay for maturity...


...we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities...


...artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity...


...there is a fine line between genius and insanity...


...and finally...



I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away...


and the real pains in the ass are permanent...


--------------------

"No one wants advice, only collaboration."

--------------------


sometimes, despite multiple times, you just need to hear it again to sink in:


"I think the wise thing to do is not to resolve anything too quickly but instead honestly just leaving it alone... I think you should give yourself a lot more time to think things over and really understand where you stand... Paul, I really think you should just focus on school and not worry or even as much as think about him for a while... I don't mean by cutting him off, but just take a break... because what is done is done... there is nothing anyone can do except deal with the feelings that are involved... and I think if you are upset with him then that's how you should feel and don't feel guilty at all for having feelings... so no, I don't think you're bitter, but I think that if you prolong this situation then it might become bitterness..."


sounds about right... probably couldn't have put it better myself...


i wish you nothing but the best, mon cher...

good luck, and we'll see what the weeks/months/years ahead bring...



--------------------


I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want


--------------------



Current mood: satisfied
Current music: Maroon 5 -- She Will Be Loved

Monday, November 08, 2004

blog... or b-log?


--------------------

poe-tay-toe... poh-tah-toe...


meh...


is it bad to be honest? can one be too honest?

should someone really be writing all this and posting it for the world to see? i look at it this way: "what have i got to hide?" my life is an open book anyway, so it makes no difference to me...


and, well, if the idea of this is therapy and catharsis, can that be accomplished by holding back? why shouldn't i be honest about my thoughts and feelings, esp. to myself, for whom this journal is written?


but then, if it's for myself... why is it online? am i doing nothing more than seeking approval and confirmation?

or maybe... just maybe... this is how we come to understand each other... human qua human... instead of reading between the lines... maybe, for once, someone can just read the lines?


on the other hand, should i be concerned that certain ramblings will expose private details about others? how much of my thoughts are mine? and what, if anything, do i owe those about whom these thoughts are concerned?


am i being malicious in what i'm sharing? am i being more honest than i need to be? if what i write will give a negative impression about someone, should i continue writing? or is that impression formed by the reader (whomever it may be) about what is (or should be) "objective" narrative?



these are my subjective thoughts... so i can't claim neutrality...

at the same time, i'll always be fair and give people the benefit of the doubt...

more importantly, this isn't a forum to debase or demean anyone... my thoughts, if they've come across as negative, reflect my current state of mind... it doesn't mean i'm a negative person overall... far from it, in fact...


lurid details about mine or anyone else's activities will never surface here... what ppl know about the stories beneath the stories comes from my sharing through other media...



and as far as being too honest for my own good?

i don't think there is such a thing...

there isn't a side of me that i don't think ppl should be exposed to... of course, i'm not perfect... i don't pretend to be... but i think this is where personal integrity and character comes in... i'm consistent through and through, and there's nothing i'll say or do that i won't own up to in the future...



--------------------

thoughts...

--------------------


“Treat a man as he is, and he will remain as he is.
Treat a man as he could be, and he will become what he should be.”
--Ralph Waldo Emerson





“Opportunities are never lost; someone will take the one you miss.”


--------------------


Pisces (Feb. 20 — March 20)

It's sad in some ways that nothing in this world lasts forever. It
can also be deeply comforting. You can now draw inspiration from
the inevitably temporary nature of a particular situation. It may be
due to go on longer than you wish, but it cannot go on ad infinitum.



--------------------



Current mood: determined
Current music: Justin Timberlake -- Never Again

Sunday, November 07, 2004

declarations and assessments...

--------------------


it's unbelievable how much that actually helped... just putting all that on a page and reading it... i can't even describe the feeling of a weight being lifted... i'm hopeful now as to what kind of emotional vehicle this journal will be... it was originally prompted by a need to vent and purge about one particular situation... now my goal is to make it more of a true reflection of my entire being...



so this prompts me to make a few statements about myself and reflect on where i am in my life...


i'm 22... i'm 3 months into law school...

that in itself should've given me pause to think...

what was i doing involved in this madness when i've got so much to live for?


not that school itself has been a bed of roses either...
but despite my inherent idealism, i'm also very much a pragmatist...
i knew what law school was and what it wasn't even before i started...
i've just gotten more confirmation over the past few months...


i like what i'm learning, generally speaking... it's challenging and it makes me feel "involved" in some sense... i've got so much that i want to do when i'm done all this... my mind races with the possibilities whenever i stop to think and reflect on it...

which is probably why i feel that this semester is dragging in a certain sense... i want to get on with the rest of "it"... life, i mean... foundation courses are great, but i want to do more with school and make my education my own...

soon, i hope... but not soon enough, i think...



*sigh*


i've got an amazing circle of friends... i can't say that enough...

i sent an e-mail during thanksgiving to tell them how much i appreciate them so... and it still doesn't feel like i've said it all...

i wish nothing but the best for all my friends... it brings me infinite joy to share in their victories and successes...

during this whole dramatic episode, it's really opened my eyes to how lucky i truly am... having come out just in the past year and told my friends about being bi, i was anxious about what it would mean for my relationships... it's been nothing short of amazing to have had ppl's unconditional love and support... whenever i've felt melancholy or upset in recent days, i've been comforted in knowing that the friends i have are truly the best that anyone could hope for...





in most respects, my life is truly blessed...

i'm ashamed to think that i lose perspective when i get involved emotionally w/ someone... a friend once said that significant others are supposed to be the people who become part of your life, not become your life...

but really, i've got no shortage of things to be grateful for...


a wonderful group of friends...
a loving family...
a great life and future ahead...



what more can one really ask?




--------------------



Current mood: accomplished
Current music: Lenny Kravitz -- Fly Away

first "official" entry...

--------------------


i've finally been prompted to bare my thoughts online...

this is going to be interesting... i just hope it will be therapeutic...


so what's prompted this need to rant and vent?

well, right now i'm angry myself...
i'm done being angry at *him* or angry at the situation...

there's not really much else i can do at this point...

i'm drained emotionally and mentally and physically...
it's been ongoing for weeks/months...

i'm angry that i can't get past this... or seem to be unwilling to do so...

there's so much i just wanna throw up on this page, just to purge all the emotion... this is somewhat cathartic, but not even my fingers operate as fast as my mind does...

anyway, this is really strange...

it's like picking up a story in the middle...

i'll have to backdate some entries to paint a real context...

so yes, this journal is "new"...
but i've gone back in time to make it make sense...


--------------------


Current mood: exhausted
Current music: U2 -- One


Tuesday, November 02, 2004

*break*



--------------------


in the midst of all this weirdness, i got a phone call from jason today...

the irony is that i want what jason and i have for me and bruce... to "just be friends"... and not have to worry about the emotional madness of the past...

jason was my first bf... i love him so...


LOL


no, really, he's been great this whole time... he called to wish me "happy anniversary"... it was 3 years ago that we met... and he called to say "thanks for being part of my life"...

now really... what more can you ask from an ex?


anthony thinks it's weird that i try so hard to be friends w/ everyone... he's diagnosed me as one of those ppl that can't stand it when other ppl dislike me... little does he know how true that is...


--------------------

Current mood: contemplative
Current music: Great Big Sea -- How did we get from saying "I love you"?