memories 2004

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in no particular order:

• watching John Mayer in an open-air concert by the lake
  
• viewing the sunrise in the middle of the Atlantic
  
• receiving my acceptance letter from law school
  
• seeing my extended family for the first time in 13 years
  
• having my friends together at my 21st birthday dinner
  
• the long drive to Florida
  
• screaming my lungs out on the Superman ride at Six Flags
  
• making veal parmigian on my own for the first time
  
• dance classes in the summer
  
• playing with the babies at Christmas
  
• Diverscité in Montreal
  
• walking out of the Docks at sunrise of Pride Day
  
• singing Christmas tunes in the car with Erick
  
• Kirsten's graduation
  
• my graduation as a Bachelor of Arts
  
• sucking back air on the stairs up the CN Tower
  
• the first day of law school
  
• Sex and the City
  
• Halloween
  
• taking Daniela to see Mamma Mia
  
• my grandfather's 80th birthday
  
• making new friends, reconnecting with old friends, growing apart from some friends, loving, losing, and learning
  
• starting this online journal

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regrets, i've had a few... but then again...

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today (or tomorrow, depending on your preference) is usually the day people set aside to contemplate the happenings of the previous year and to re-evaluate one's direction and establish goals for the following 12-month cycle... of course, the level of introspection varies from the sublime to the mundane, but overall, it's accepted that one would have various "resolutions" to act on... the etymology of the word befuddles me... "resolution" is the noun aspect of the verb "resolve", i.e. to literally "solve again"... doesn't this bring up the all important follow-up: why are we trying to "solve again" those problems/issues/conundrums which we, if intentions are to be any correct gauge of effort, should have already "solved" before? (of course, i'm being cheeky with definitions)...

but are we just doomed to continually repeat this (pardon the pun) cycle?


eternal dilemma indeed!


Shakespeare wrote that the fault is not in the stars, but in ourselves... being the pragmatic idealist that i am, i'll take this time to go through the usual self-assessment, but not so much to think about "resolutions", but to contemplate the positives and negatives of my character and life situation and, in so doing, make the most of the opportunities i've been given...



Solitude:

i regret the need i feel to always be surrounded by people... deep down, i very much value my space and my time to think, but i don't take enough advantage of such opportunities... more to the point, i regret that i can be burdened by the need for companionship, so much so that it sometimes destabilizes my priorities... being alone and being lonely are not the same thing, and i will definitely keep that in mind in the coming year...


Pragmatic Idealism:

i think too much for my own good... i contemplate things beyond my immediate sphere of influence... again, this can become debilitating to my focus... i hold some strong values and opinions about the world and society and morality and politics, but i need to remember that humanity and the universe extend far beyond my infinitesimal grasp, and i will change very little (if anything) in my lifetime, let alone over the next year...


Family and Friends:

i have as much support as anyone could need or want from friends and family... i believe my continuing challenge will be to make the effort to spend quality time with the important people in my life and to express in creative and genuine ways my appreciation for their presence in my life...


The Law School Experience -- Goals and Challenges:

i started my "official" career path this year... my immediate goals will be to continue excelling (whether validated by grades or otherwise) in my academic pursuits, and to establish myself in the community... i hope i can secure a challenging position this summer and thereby gain some experience and practical legal skills... some friends have suggested that i keep my success on the "lowdown" as i've managed to intimidate and/or irk some colleagues at school, so i'll remember to play it smart as well...



overall, i have a fairly clear idea of what i need to focus on and accomplish in the coming year... i want to make a sincere (and ultimately successful) effort at not repeating the mistakes of these past 12 months (i.e. getting caught up in the trivial, the inconsequential, and the pedantic)... more importantly, i am "resolving" on not having to re-solve the same problems, but to continue to grow as a person and a human being... looking back, this was truly an incredible year of revelations... about life... about myself... both to myself and to others... appropriately enough, mike's catchphrase is the best way to sum it all up: "what more can you ask in 2004?"


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Current mood: pensive
Current music: Auld Lang Syne

"If"

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If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!


- Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)


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Pure, uncaring nature in all its power

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The ancient Greeks had a word for it: hubris — the arrogance of an unfettered ego that allows someone to think they are the centre of the universe. With our computers and iPods and cars and jets and technology, who can blame us for believing we're the biggest, baddest thing in the universe — nothing smarter, nothing more powerful.

And then nature comes along and puts us in our place.

It happened this week, when the sea floor slipped beneath the Indian Ocean and worlds collapsed — the worlds of millions of people, from eastern Africa to the far reaches of Asia; the worlds of parents who lost children, brothers who lost sisters, villagers who lost their homes — all their worlds torn asunder by a shift in tectonic plates, thousands of kilometres out to sea.

Sunday's earthquake, we're told, measured 9 on the Richter scale. The scale is exponential, meaning a quake measuring 8 is many, many times stronger than one measuring a 7.

A 9 is amongst the strongest ever recorded. Whatever the number, for most of us the power of the quake is pure abstraction.

Knowing that, scientists have tried to place the event in some kind of perspective, with one Italian expert noting the energy released was equivalent to 1,000 atomic bombs, of the size dropped on Hiroshima.

That's still pretty abstract — thankfully. Even videos of the disaster have an abstract air about them, with scenes of struggle and chaos framed by blue skies and beach-hotel lobbies linked in Western imaginations to tropical vacations. Indeed many survivors talked about how catastrophe appeared out of a flawless blue sky — death interrupting another day in paradise for tourists on a Thai beach, or for local fishermen working on quiet waters off an Indian village. That incongruous mix of everyday tranquility shattered by violence brings to mind another video, from Sept. 11, 2001, when death also came from clear skies, and images of the aftermath seemed to belong to the world of disaster movies, rather than reality.

This week's quake, though, demonstrated destruction on a vastly greater scale, both in terms of lives lost and devastation wrought.

And the quake was different in another way, too: it had nothing to do with mankind — no terrorists were involved, no governments in the background, no cause and effect linked to politicians or diplomats.

This was pure, uncaring nature in all its power, showing mankind yet again that despite the many achievements which shape the world we live in, we remain small and impotent against natural forces beyond our comprehension or control.

This is an edited excerpt of an editorial from the St. John's Telegram.

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Bah to Boxing Day

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There's really only one thing to say about Boxing Day shopping: Don't.

I say this even though you know darn well I am a super-shopper. To quote Carrie Bradshaw, shopping is my cardio; it is my creative outlet; my soothing moment in a hectic day; my reward for work well done and my solace when things go awry. There is nothing about shopping I dislike.

Except Boxing Day.

When I was in journalism school I was always made uneasy by one of my classmates, though I couldn't put my finger on why. "Raw ambition is always unattractive," my then-amour said, and he was right. Her desperate grasping at not very much was anxiety-making.

That's the ilk of Boxing Day, the naked avarice over things that simply aren't worth it. Like shopping in a bazaar, shopping even on sale is best when you show a hunter's calculated indifference (don't let them think you want it too much) or, conversely, when you show the utter joy of stumbling over something you truly love, perhaps that precious something you've been looking for but never thought you'd find.

Boxing Day offers none of that.

Boxing Day instead uncovers the dark side of shopping, where you see the restless greed and raw ambition of the ugly shopper who thinks she really might be getting away with something, clawing over pawed-over merchandise she didn't think was worth it two days ago. Worse, it's a chance to pick up left-over Christmas baubles, gift wrap, cards — there's something ineffably sad about seeing those left-overs, something so morning-after-the-night-before.

Edna Ferber, an author of dubious American Gothics, was always good at describing the awful "after," articulating the way something looked in innocence (lovely) and then in experience (as it really is). She once re-described a glistening ham as hacked, pink and oozing grease. That image stuck with me, perfectly illustrating the sense of the moment too late, and that's how yesterday's Christmas ornaments look to me — instead of imagining them lovely on the tree, they simply look garish and artificial in the cool light of the next season.

The moment too late is when all romance falls off and we're lying there exposed, naked; pale imitations of our loveliness before. And let's face it, if you are as organized as I am, no matter how practical it is to buy discounted Christmas stuff, you will no doubt forget you bought it, or won't remember where you put it, and you will end up buying the same stuff all over again next year.

There is something terribly unseemly about the rush to retail that follows one of the very few imposed days of abstinence in the calendar. Especially when the day is this day — the day when ideally you have given and received tokens of love and appreciation, carefully chosen objects meant to make you and your loved ones happy. The very next day you are heading out for more? It puts the lie to the things you said, the "it's perfect, I love it, it's just what I wanted" mythology. Doesn't it also devalue all those treasures? Yesterday it was worth $100, today not so much?

Practised by the worst offenders, Boxing Day shopping allows for a quality that eats at the soul of living a good life. Those practical souls who wait until after Christmas to actually make their gift purchases because it's cheaper may never understand this, but there is something soulless about the desire to forgo the moment, any moment, for practical reasons. That's why it's important to have a glass of wine with a good friend on a wintry Saturday afternoon even though you probably should clean the bathroom; that is why it's important to have flowers on your bedside table even when you're feeling penniless and the phone bill needs paying; that is why it is essential to greet the day with a decent cup of coffee and a wonderful-smelling soap in the shower even though Zest works just as well. To not offer the perfect gift at the perfect moment is simply wrong.

Though the origins of Boxing Day are murky, it seems it was as laudable in intent as Christmas. It was, or so some say, the day when the merchant class would raise their gaze from one another and their own needs in order to acknowledge those servants who help them, and so would give those servants boxes of food, fruit or clothing. Or, it was the day the alms boxes were opened and the bounty distributed to the poorest of the poor. Such a lovely idea, so sullied by the scramble for 20 to 70 per cent off.

I think I've made my views known. In fact, I don't think I could be more clear. So please, people, you don't have to take my advice but I beseech you to consider it. There was a lot of merchandise on sale before Christmas; you could have bought it then. You just received a whole lot of stuff you didn't pay for, which was chosen just for you. It's only shopping.

Please, please, for the love of your god, take a day off. Remove yourself from the madding crowd. Choose serenity over the churn of greed. Pour another eggnog, open the book you received but didn't think you'd like, light a fire in the fireplace, put on those fluffy slippers you hate but receive every year and enjoy a moment of peace on earth.

And remember, brand-new untouched spring merchandise starts arriving in just a few weeks.

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Tracy Nesdoly's column appears every two weeks. Write to her at tn@tracynesdoly.com

Christmas 2004

Christmas about peace, hope, love

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Maybe you have already hung the stockings by the chimney with care and are putting your feet up this Christmas Eve. Or, like many people, maybe you are still frantically buying gifts — not the perfect gift at this late hour but as good as you can muster on adrenaline and a looming deadline.

For tomorrow is Christmas, a day when families and friends gather to celebrate many things: the birth of Jesus, the winter solstice, the promise of light after the darkest time of the year or simply being together.

Whatever the celebration, an important part of the holiday for many people will be exchanging gifts. Children will lie awake listening for Santa and his reindeer. Brightly wrapped packages will beckon tantalizingly from under the tree. And when the time comes, presents will be ripped open to polite smiles, heartfelt thanks and squeals of joy.

It is a wonderful time of year. But it is also an expensive time of year. In 2003, Canadians expected to spend an average of $761 on Christmas gifts and another $724 on holiday clothing, decorations and travel, an Ipsos-Reid poll found. Many people take months to pay off their holiday bills.

Some iconoclasts, though, are pushing back against this Christmas tide of big spending, debt and commercialism.

Take Aiden Enns, for instance. The 43-year-old Winnipeg man is a co-founder of Buy Nothing Christmas, a movement that seeks to moderate frenzied holiday buying and reclaim the Christmas spirit.

His Buy Nothing Christmas website — www.buynothingchristmas.org — suggests dozens of ways to give gifts without breaking the bank, including framing a piece of your own artwork, offering free babysitting, knitting a hat and giving a used book.

But Enns, a Mennonite and former editor of Adbusters magazine, is no grinch. This year, he and his wife are giving their 18 nieces and nephews homemade pillowcases. Last year, it was picture frames. "Don't buy Christmas," says Enns. "Be alive and create your own Christmas."

Clearly, Enns' message is idealistic. It also may be quite a bit radical for most of us. After all, who doesn't love watching a child's eyes light up when a longed-for toy turns up under the tree? Or the joy of hunting long and hard and finally knowing you have found exactly the right thing for a cherished friend or favourite aunt?

Despite the urge to dismiss the Buy Nothing Christmas campaign as folly, some of us can learn from it about the true spirit of the season.

Stripped of its modern commercial trappings, Christmas is still about peace, hope and love. It is about spending time with loved ones and reconnecting with old friends. It is about trying to be a better person and seeking a better world free of poverty, war and hate.

It is about breaking from the ordinary to embrace the extraordinary.

Christmas is also about giving, in both words and actions.

That is why many of us this holiday season have donated money and gifts to charities across the city, including the Star's Santa Claus Fund.

It is also why so many of us are giving generously of our time this Christmas to visit elderly shut-ins, help out a neighbour, carol at hospitals and nursing homes, pack boxes at food banks and serve meals to the needy and sick who live among us.

Yet in this bustling cosmopolitan city, it is easy to become distracted from the things that really matter.

After all the relatives have left, the leftover turkey is eaten and the presents are put away, we will return to our hurried lives. We will go back to work and school, we will raise our children as best we can, we will pay our taxes, we will try to get ahead in whatever we do. And we will lose sight of the goodwill, generosity and mystery that suffuse this wondrous season.

So this year, store the holiday spirit in your soul. Remember the peace and joy you feel at this special time. And give generously of yourself to your family, friends and community — not just during the holiday season but the whole year through.

Merry Christmas, one and all.


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time well spent (où "des temps bien dépensés")

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je déteste l'hîver et le froid...


pardonnez-moi mon français terrible, mais je dois écrirer cette histoire en français pour un cher ami... ryan est l'ami que j'ai ésperé quand nous rencontrions qui étiait mon beau... mais, le destin avait des plans autres... alors, nous sommes devenus des amis meilleures, en partie à cause de notre amour mutuel pour tout de choses français... c'est pourquoi je veux parler en français maintentant quoique ne savoir pas beaucoup... je ne sais pas pourquoi c'est le première temps que j'écrire de ryan... il est vraiment un de mes personnes favorites quoique nous avons beacoups de differences... ce soir, nous avions le dîner et exchangés des cadeaux... c'était une date désirent ardemment longtemps, et des temps bien dépensés... j'adore monsieur mcneil et j'éspère que nous resterons le meilleur des amis pour longtemps...



ok, so now that i've butchered one of the most beautiful languages in the world, it's time for me to hack out an entry in english... it's cold and it's miserable today, and that would have been the general tone of today's rant except for 2 things... one was the fact that i got to spend time with ryan... the other was the perspective i received on my day out as a volunteer for second harvest... complaints of the cold and whining about the snow seem so juvenile in light of having encountered people who are simply grateful for whatever blessings life is throwing their way... i had wanted to put my money where my mouth is and do something worthwhile for the holiday season... so there i went, hauling trays and boxes of surplus food to be donated to various agencies, all the while thinking "what an incredibly wasteful society we have"... why is it that 90% of the world's resources are consumed by only 10% of its population (or whatever the disproportionate statistics are)? why is it that so much food goes to waste every day when there are millions starving throughout the world? how is it that even in an affluent society like ours there can still be hunger and poverty?

i'm not usually one for rhetoric (ok, maybe a tad), but it boggles my mind that such juxtapositions can exist... much like this entry, i suppose... or this entire blog for that matter... these rants admittedly run the gamut from the mundane to the sublime... but i can't help but think about, esp. during this time of year, the things one ought to be truly thankful for: having the basic necessities of life (i.e. food, clothing, and shelter) -- not to mention being blessed in countless other ways -- and being given the opportunity to share those blessings with great friends and the world in general...


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Current mood: grateful
Current music: Little Drummer Boy

chaminade gryphons + mike

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well, the first semester of law school is done, but the work certainly isn't... although i've been off for 2 days already, there's not gonna be much R&R during the "break"... which is all well and good, i've to stay ahead... or on top... or some other metaphor... the CILSC planning is working out really well... one of the main speakers we were hoping to get has signed on board, and with some help from contacts in high places, we'll probably be able to secure the others...

sometimes it's hard to balance priorities when you're trying to decide who you should be spending time with... we had our end-of-semester party scheduled tonight, but i didn't end up going cuz i wasn't sure who would attend (that i knew)... probably a bad move considering it was the first such gathering since orientation, but i couldn't be bothered at the same time... i don't mind my law school colleagues at all, but i think i need a break from that kind of crowd for the time being... hopefully i'll be more comfortable with the law school crowd as time passes, but there's still a part of me that resists getting "caught up" in it...

so i opted to go out with some highschool buddies from the gryphon days... it's been a while since we've all been together (or rather, a while since i've been out with the whole group of them -- ironically, not since this blog's story started), although we still keep in touch every now and then... being with them reminds me not to take myself so seriously and stay in touch with my "roots", as it were... they're always great for a laugh, but they're also there when you need them... most of the time, anyway :P

the shopping and gift-wrapping was done in a day, i'm happy to say... although i think i'll take up a suggestion from one of my classmates and start giving gifts during the year instead of feeling panic-stricken during this season... i won't get into how much i dislike the consumerism of it all... but i would like to say thanks to tony danza for my present -- yes, it's true: boys *are* smelly and i *am* sorry to the girls ;)


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Current mood: amused
Current music: Livio Leonardelli -- Men of Green and Gold

thoughts for the holiday...

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i was going to write an entry about finishing exams and surviving the first semester of law school and going on about how wonderful things are and on and on... i was stopped short in my tracks by the following e-mail from a friend... i think this is more important than just about anything i could say at this point, short of revealing the cure for cancer...

then again, it might cure something else...

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Every year, us lucky Westerners pour like a rich, bitter syrup from our homes to the churches of capitalism: the shopping centers. Up and down the streets we are bombarded with the same twinkling lights we remember from our childhood, except now they seem dull and timeworn. Watching television becomes a chore as the adverts for the toys, games, consumer electronics and festive foodstuffs punch us firmly in the face and steal our wallets whilst we sell the stuffing from our pillows to pay debts only to replace it with more credit card bills.

I don’t hate Christmas, exactly. It’s more the way we treat our fellow human beings at this time of year. It’s not about peace and love to all mankind when you’re having your own starring role in a private remake of Jingle All The Way, battling the tide of queues and being generally hostile to shop staff who are just trying to do their horrible job of making you happy whilst carrying whatever ridiculous orders their head office decides to bark at them for at least three months a year. Everywhere you look, people become full of stress and disdain for their fellow humans. You could blame the advertisers, the television executives or the corporate giants, but ultimately you have the power to stop stepping on each other’s faces in order to make sure your December 25th is memorable.

A few days ago, I was having a conversation with a buddy of mine, who explained that he was involved in a friendly competition to see who could commit the largest number of unprovoked, selfless deeds. Such caring actions are so uncommon these days that they often seem unusual, almost to the point of abnormality. There's no question: If I were involved in the competition, I would lose. I’m humiliated to say I cannot remember the last time that I've done something spontaneously kind without expecting or hoping that something would result from it. It's a shame that such a reflection was brought out in me only through conversation with others and only at Christmas time. Competition or no competition, I felt more than a little guilty that others were being so comparatively humane. I was able to justify my actions (or lack thereof), at least in my mind, because despite the thousands of people preaching about the "Christmas spirit", these splendid actions of almost complete generosity more or less never happen. I would be no worse off in the competition than the majority of the population; a billion-way tie for last place, with a score of zero.

Then, yesterday, my satisfaction with justifying my lack of compassion and generosity fell flat on its face. I was on the subway on my way back from an exam, which cruelly clashes with the Christmas holidays every year. The subway is quite a complicated system. Unless you're a subway operator, a mental patient or a vagrant, there are a variety of unwritten yet implied rules you must adhere to. First off, avoid all conversation with anyone, unless you know them. Even then, it's probably best to just play it safe and ride in silence. Secondly, if you plan on sitting in a seat, chose the seat the furthest away from everyone. This makes it much easier to adhere to the first rule. And third, if rule two should seem impossible, have a buffer of at least one seat between you and any stranger at all times. If you see an open seat, but there is the lack of such a buffer, you are required to stand. Now, I didn't make these rules, but I've learned to follow them, just as almost all of the daily commuters have.

Yesterday all three subway rules were broken.

A young girl no older than 5 approached me, and asked my name. Before I could recover from the initial shock of rule number one being broken, she had plopped down in the seat beside me, a blatant infringement of both rules two and three. "My name is Jenna," she said as I gazed around the subway looking for whoever the kid was with. "J-E-N-N-A. I'm four." After a few seconds, I eventually found what had to be Jenna's mother, a slim blond woman in her late twenties who caught my eye and then smiled an anxiety-free smile, as though her child did this all the time. Now, I'll be the first to admit that I'm not very good with kids. I love being around them, but I really don't know how to deal with them when they're doing anything but being quiet and well behaved. However, as I turned back to face Jenna, I couldn't help but smile. Here was this child inciting a conversation with a stranger, expecting nothing of benefit in return.

These days, such a situation is practically unheard of. Even seemingly undemanding idle chatter has a purpose: to give a sense of reassurance of normality, that yes, we are conformed towards the current social conditions and habits. A "good morning" is not necessarily a good morning. A "goodbye" could quite possibly be the final closure of a previously successful romantic relationship. The question of "How are you?" may illicit not only the most automatic responses (in "Good thanks, yourself?"), but also one which ranks truth as completely unimportant. These staples of conversation are really not even real conversation, as much as habitual reflexes. And yet this child had simply asked me my name. There is nothing more remarkable to me than the potential of innocence. The act of learning somebody's name just to learn their name, is unfathomably mundane but beautiful in its simplicity.

Eventually, I broke out of my comatose state of shock and let down my defense shield. "Dave," I said. "My name is Dave". She asked me where I was going, if I had been shopping, and a whole barrage of other curious questions that had absolutely no importance to her life, and yet she was completely sincere in wanting to know the answers. Conversation ensued, and I had more fun chatting with this 4 year old than anyone else I have spoken to in weeks. Eventually I heard her mother say "Next stop, hun", as the train rolled out of one of the stations. "You better get going Jenna,” I said. “It was nice to meet you, and thanks for the chat." After looking at me for a couple seconds, she suddenly shot out of her seat and twirled around, slinging her tiny Sesame Street knapsack into the now empty seat. Digging through it, she pulled out a mini-Toblerone chocolate bar and opened it. Quickly breaking off a piece, she took my hand and put it in my fingers, closed her bag, and just before running to the door to exit with her mother, flashed me a smile and said "Merry Christmas, Dave."

It sounds clichéd, but this is what Christmas is to me: it shouldn’t be about Jesus or religion at all. It shouldn’t be trying to outdo one another ensuring your loved ones receive gifts to make them happy. It’s certainly not about beating each other up in the shops to get that one, last amazing gift from the shelf. You do something out of complete selflessness. Spare a thought for all those people you’ve never given a thought about throughout your existence. Treat each other nicely not because you expect to get something out of them, but just because they are human. There will always be lots of people in this world who will go out of their way to ruin things for you, but if you can refrain from retaliating no matter what they have done then you are, in a small way, making the world a better place. Forget revenge, passion, jealousy, and greed. Forget your self-pity and your self-deprecating emo-nonsense. If you feel yourself getting angry at all the commercialized greed around you, take a deep breath and tell yourself to sod it all and just be the best person you can, for the sake of everyone else. You are alive for the equivalent of a blink in the eyes of the universe, so you might as well make the most of it and make somebody else’s blink a good one that scrapes the sleepy crust off of life’s lens. I’ll admit I’m a hypocrite – I’m tied in last in the good-deed competition at the moment. But I’m an idealist, too. I have to remind myself of these values I hold dear every few minutes, especially at this time of year. I realize now that the world could use more kindness, and that sometimes the smallest actions by a single person can make a huge difference. I won't apologize for sounding preachy, if that's the way I come across. I've learned a lot this holiday season already, and it took a 4 year old to teach me.

So everyone, please do me a favor and make sure that you have a wonderful holiday. Have a Merry Christmas and a fantastic New Year.

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good ol' tony robbins...

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Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

Marry a person you love to talk to. As you get older, their
conversational skills will be as important as any other.

Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

When you say, "I love you," mean it.

When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

Believe in love at first sight.

Never, ever laugh at anyone's dreams.
People who don't have dreams don't have much.

Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt
but it's the only way to live life completely.

In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

Don't judge people by their relatives.

Think quickly but talk slowly.

When someone asks you a question you don't want to
answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

Remember the three R's: Respect for self, Respect
for others, and Responsibility for all your actions.

Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

When you realize you've made a mistake,
take immediate steps to correct it.

Smile when picking up the phone.
The caller will hear the smile in your voice.

Spend some time alone.


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Current mood: studious
Current music: John Lennon -- Beautiful Boy

networking...

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well, it's not every day that you get to hobnob with movers and shakers... i've to say that i've been lucky in that regard... in the course of expanding my social circle, part of the added benefit to that has been the opportunity to meet various people from different walks of life that i may not have met otherwise (or at least, not until later on in what will hopefully be my distinguished career)...

this year, i've had the distinct pleasure of meeting various government ministers and public officials in a wide range of social settings... not only do i interact daily with many renowned legal scholars at the law school everyday, but i've also had the honour of meeting well-respected judges and practicioners... i will never forget the words of a chief justice at our orientation banquet: "to choose mediocrity over excellence, to choose conformity over courage, is to court irrelevance"...

all this is not to say "hey, i'm cool, i get to meet famous and semi-famous people"... it's often said that it's not what you know, but who you know... but i think it's more the case of who you know and what you do with it... while i'm flattered that i got a personal phone call from a certain cabinet minister after making his acquaintance several times (and him sending a follow-up e-mail wishing me luck on my exams), i would rather focus on the idea that this is but a small step in my larger goal of using the talents and opportunities given me to effect positive change around me... if i can start networking now and make a name for myself by getting involved in the public political and intellectual arena, then why not? and if i'm gonna be accused of being opportunistic, it might as well be with someone worthwhile rather than some drugged-up twink at a club whose biggest ambition is to be a retail store manager...


every day i walk the hallowed halls of the law school passing portraits and busts of some of the most renowned jurists in the Commonwealth... etched on plaques are names of scholars and practicioners who have passed through the school and carved out niches for themselves... rooms and wings of the building are named after firms and lawyers who have made significant contributions to the profession... i hope that, after 3 years and beyond, i won't be just one of the 250-odd members of the class of 2007, but rather that i'll be someone worth networking with too...

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on the unequal distribution of wealth...

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"Canada's rich are getting richer, according to Canadian Business magazine's sixth annual Rich 100, a ranking of Canada's wealthiest citizens that hits newsstands today. The collective net worth of the richest Canadians is an estimated $130 billion — the highest it has ever been."

-- The Toronto Star (12/06/2004)

at a time when governments are being squeezed for every bit of funding for various causes and lobbies, it boggles my mind that there are individuals and corporations who continue to hoard wealth for themselves... while i do appreciate the theory behind our economic system, and in an ideal world it would work out to everyone's advantage, there are factors in our daily reality that prevent the ideal from materializing, and so i wonder if there isn't another way we can set up the economics of our society that would eliminate such distinctions as first- and third-world, developing and developed, etc... i think we have reified these categories in such a way that most people believe the world to have to be inevitably divided as such...

my guilt and concern isn't feigned... while there really may be no direct way that i'm affecting anyone else's economic prosperity, the fact is that by supporting this system of inequality, i do play a role in it at some level, and that is where the guilt arises from... i'm not a bleeding heart socialist, i don't have sympathy for people who won't help themselves, but if people are working as hard as the system says they should work and they're not getting the benefits that other people are, then the system sucks, flat out... sure, i acknowledge the reality and understand that we all need to subsist and so we are involved for our own selfish reasons, but it still doesn't stop me from wondering if there isn't a better way.. i highly doubt that there isn't, it's just that testing out the alternatives would mean that everyone would have to let go of their own selfish interest and give up their desire for advantage for the sake of the human community as a whole...

sure, a system looks great when you've bought into it and you're arguing within its parameters... but what if its foundational assumptions themselves are questionable? any arguments going forward will seem sketchy at best... and that's what i think of capitalist economic theory... it assumes a very mechanistic disposition for human beings, and it doesn't take into account other motivations and values that are central to the human experience...


"We become so absorbed in furthering our own perceived well-being and aspirations that the surrounding environment appears distant and irrelevant. Individual aspirations should not be pursued in an insular manner. In planning for our future, social dynamics need to be taken into consideration.

Social, economic and political realities will have consequences on our personal lives. The education system, health care, social programs, immigration policies, homelessness, human rights, rule of law, women's issues, just to name a few, are not just political issues, they have direct impact on our individual and separate lives. The notion that individuals or families within a community operate exclusively and don't rely on their greater environment is nearsighted. Participation in the different facets of society to make it stronger will, in fact, increase the opportunities for its members to fulfil their own personal goals.

In our daily lives we are typically energized by our dreams and desires. Some are driven by their children's best interests; others by taking care of siblings and aging parents. Career-oriented people are motivated by professional advancement. However, it is important to realize that the pursuit of personal goals in isolation from the realities of our surroundings is ineffective, or may even be counterproductive.

Social and political activism should not be seen as a mundane task of the few, but as a self-interested duty with major consequences.

This is not to say that every Canadian needs to become a full-time activist. But it is a plea to all Canadians to look beyond immediate personal needs as a means of achieving a better personal life. Individuals can advance at a faster rate if the collective benefit of society is set as a personal goal for each member of that society."

-- Omar Alghabra, The Toronto Star (03/17/2004)

anyway, i'm getting off my soapbox...

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laughter is the best medicine...

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i suppose i'm really asking for it... despite having my first law school exams coming up next week (all worth 100%), i've still gone out this weekend... then again, how much studying can you really do before you go nuts? mind you, i'm nowhere near the point where i can claim insanity (or "mental disorder automatism", if you prefer), but i don't even want to test myself in that regard... i try in school, i wouldn't be where i am today if i didn't, but i'm not going to kill myself studying even if so much is riding on this (which everyone says isn't the case)... i just know myself and how frustrated my mind gets and what my threshold is for minutiae... and studying for exams is exactly that -- poring over excruciating minutiae...

so i went out (for the fourth weekend in a row, i think) with erick... if i didn't know any better, i wouldn't be surprised if people thought we were dating... again, life's funny like that... you get so close to someone that the thought of getting close in that regard becomes too weird to fathom... i adore erick to bits and i hope we will stay as close and good friends as we are now, but i've been through and gotten over my strong liking of him to the point now where we can go out and share all these experiences and have all these wicked conversations for hours and i don't even think twice about what it would all look like to someone else...

except, i guess, as i write this entry...


well, we had yet another fantastic saturday night out... before we got it all started, i took care of a "loose end" (no pun intended) by calling up my ex and arranging to meet (coincidentally, he was having dinner at the same place i took erick to a few weeks ago, and where we used to go ourselves)... i guess i was just in a happy mood from last night and i figured to take advantage of it and close that chapter... a lot of the early entries of this very young blog were dedicated to that situation, and this whole exercise was mostly prompted by a need to vent and achieve some catharsis... so i decided to call and just tell him straight up that there's no more hard feelings and i don't want to carry any grudges... no ifs or buts, just a simple extension of the olive branch... i've realized, however, that he's not really someone i can see myself as being friends with, although i'm not opposed to us hanging out when/where circumstances are appropriate... at this point, i'm happy to say it's over and done and i feel a lot better about not having to be bitter anymore...


from there, the night just got better and better... erick and i had dinner and went to a comedy club for our night out... i had tears streaming down my face at one point, it was just that funny... i won't deign to repeat any of the jokes here, as many of them were of the kind that "you had to be there", but suffice it to say that it was time (and money) well spent... the funny but good thing about going out with erick is that we're obliged to be creative about what we do because of his age, and yet we always have a great time when we're out... it's pretty cool to experience all these things with him and to realize that there are a ton of options on how to have fun on a saturday night without resorting to the tired formula of drinking and clubbing...


all in all, it was a fantastic weekend filled with good times.... laughter really is the best medicine, and it's great to get a dose... or even overdose...


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Current mood: tired
Current music: Nek -- La Vida Es

I've learned...

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That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

That money doesn't buy class.

That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

That love, not time, heals all wounds.

That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.

That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

That one should keep their words both soft and tender, because tomorrow you may have to eat them.

That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

That when your newly born child holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it

That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.

That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.


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it's frustrating being dependent... i think that's the root of it... i got into an argument with my mother (yet again) about how it seems like i'm in my own little world when i'm at home... i'm so bubbly and outgoing when i'm out with friends, but i'm in a little shell when i'm with my family... i barely come out of my room except to eat, and i don't even really do that with the family... i resent being 22 and feeling like a child still... i look around at a lot of my friends that are out on their own, living their life, and it frustrates me that i've still got so much more studying to go through before i can start "living life"...

at the same time, i don't want to come off as ungrateful... i have it so made... i live at home with my parents who basically take care of my every need... not only are they helping me pay for school, but they also leased me a new car so i could travel at my own convenience, considering how far we live from school and everything else... so why is it that it's so painful for me to have even a 5-minute conversation with them about my day?

i wish there was an easy way to explain it... or even a way to explain it... it's not that i don't love them... it's just... i guess you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family... i don't not like them... it's just that i have my own life to live and i just want to get on with it... but yet i don't want to live to regret not saying what i should say while i'm still with them... i have no qualms about being expressive here, to friends and perhaps even to random strangers... much less about saying what i feel (about them) and what i think to my friends... i guess i can come up with some type of resolution to try to be more responsive and appreciative, but i just know that it won't last...

you can't force that kind of dynamic... you can work on it, to some extent, but i just don't feel that sense of urgency about it... but it scares me to think i'll end up kicking myself in the ass after if and when my parents are gone and my sisters and i have all grown up... there's a lot of things i've learned... and yet i've still got to grow up in a lot of ways, i guess...


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Current mood: embarassed
Current music: Boyz II Men -- Song for Mama

shenanigans

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i hate when they stamp you at clubs...
they seem to like to use some kind of industrial ink...
you have to wait to grow a new layer of epidermis for it to come off...

considering that i'm on the cusp of exams, it probably wasn't recommended that i go out and get inebriated and party... but all work and no play make Homer something something... go crazy?... "don't mind if i do!"...

sweet sweet vodka... the elixir of life...

so apparently i'm worth "exactly $1,971,350.00" according to www.humanforsale.com ... go figure... who gave actuaries a "science"?

well, now that i got that silliness out of my system... i can now go through the drudgery of more reviewing and writing practice exams...


vive le weekend!

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Current mood: erratic
Current music: buzzing in my head

it's a crazy world we live in...

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"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?
Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing?
Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing?
Then whence commeth evil?
Is he neither able nor willing?
Then why call him God?"

-- Epicurus (c. 341-271 B.C.)

they all laughed at chicken little because he kept running around saying the sky was falling... g-d knows what he'd say if he read the news these days... yes, it's old hat, there are disasters and killings and bad things always happening, and one can't help but feel overwhelmed sometimes... all the time, really... it's hard not to feel what's going on out there... whether it's a typhoon in asia, where relatives are in its path... whether it's the war in iraq, where a friend just came back from a tour of duty... whether it's an innocent girl being shot on a bus, taking the same route i used to take home from school... entire families dying in a fire or by violence at each other's hands...

crisis after crisis after crisis, ad infinitum...

with so many causes to fight for and things to worry about, how can one keep his sanity and not get jaded? no one wants to have their holiday mood spoiled focusing on negative things... but it would be disingenuous to pretend that all is right with the world just because it's "that time of year"... would it were that there existed a simple solution for what plagues this world... if only all the sympathy and compassion we could muster were enough to erase all the evil and hurtful things from existence...

i remember being really touched by the movie "pay it forward"... yes, it was hollywood kitsch at its best, but even the most clichéd stories can still have significance (see reference above to chicken little)... now, anyone with a grade 4 math education can tell you the significance of exponential growth... imagine what it would be like if, instead of just being a cute plot, "pay it forward" actually was practiced... how far would it go to make the world a better place?

will that stop earthquakes and hurricanes and typhoons? will it bring back feeling in the paralyzed gunshot victim's legs? will it bring back to life those children dead of hunger and illness? i don't pretend for a second that reading a single article, donating $1 a day to CCF, writing a letter to your MP/MPP, chaining yourself to a tree, etc. will make a considerable dent in the mountain pile of problems facing our world today... i'm idealistic to a point, but it's tinged with a very pronounced pragmatism... i do understand the "what's the point?" mentality, and sometimes even i wonder why i -- or anyone else -- should bother...

is there a solution that you or i could come up with to achieve a utopia? probably not... will bitching about the futility of this exercise bring us any closer to this ideal? even less likely... the point is to simply try to make a difference in your own way as best you can with the admittedly limited options you have... if one wants to adopt a nihilistic stance, then why even bother getting up in the morning yourself? on the other hand, what sensible argument could you make against someone hellbent on feeding their own selfish desires, or a world full of such people? quite frankly, there's no "sensibility" that will make sense to them... these are the very real dimensions of human freedom and choice, and because there is a moral void in our world today, nothing binds us necessarily to any particular concept of goodness... will these problems be solved in our lifetime? most likely not... will anything i do make a significant impact? i'd like to think so, but i'm not banking on it... until such time the world accepts that greed and selfishness and indifference are self-destructive, we can't really make forward steps to alleviating suffering... so what do we do? do we just sit here and wring our hands and bemoan the state of the planet? do we say "fuck it all" and let it come down to "survival of the fittest" (which in this case would mean, the greediest and the strongest)? can we not simply do good for goodness' sake?

yes, i do appreciate the irony of all this vehement high-minded rhetoric arising from a suburban-bred, raised-in-a-3-car-household, middle-class, university-graduate, employee-of-a-bank, law-student-and-practitioner-to-be, smack in the middle of the 18-34 pseudo-yuppie demographic that defines me... it is a constant source of existential guilt... i don't need any more reminders about it as i do plenty of reminding to myself... and maybe all this is nothing but some selfish form of atonement... but i will not be made to feel guilty about wanting the best for humanity: as depraved as we can be, i still believe in the moral and intellectual heights we can achieve... this is my reality... and i accept responsibility for it... and i accept responsibility for trying to change it for the better...

now if only everyone would jump on board...


*sigh*

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Fighting Insomnia

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Insomnia—the chronic inability to fall and remain asleep—affects roughly 20 percent of American adults. Here are some tips to get a better night's sleep:

• Although it's tempting to use liquor as a cure for chronic sleeplessness, be warned: Liquor is quite expensive.
• Getting more exercise can help combat insomnia. If you suffer from sleeplessness, try shuffling from the bed to the kitchen, opening and shutting the refrigerator door, and shuffling back to bed.
• According to researchers at the National Sleep Foundation, there is an actual National Sleep Foundation. Yes, for real.
• Use your bed for sleeping only. Conduct all reading, eating, phone calls, and sexual relations on the kitchen table.
• Try counting sheep, rather than the number of times you've failed as a wife and mother.
• If you got less than three hours of sleep the previous night, it's important to inform everyone of that fact all day long.
• If you're having night after night of hours-long jungle sex when all you really want is a decent night's rest, go cry on someone else's shoulder.
• Minimize noise, light, excessive temperature—all factors that could potentially disrupt rest—by sleeping indoors.
• Sleeping pills can and do become addictive. Before you know it, you'll be giving back-alley BJs for hits of Ambien.
• Remember: Insomnia is only a problem if you are employed or have a reason to live.

http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4048&n=10

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