love, marriage... and a baby carriage?

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Love is like a yard sale -- if you let your guard down and present everything you've got to the world honestly and without shame, someone is bound to end up with a bunch of your old clothes.


weddings are beautiful things... despite having to sit through a ritual that isn't very understandable -- much less relevant -- in this day and age, and having to listen to speeches filled with clichés and platitudes, and having to dance to bad music (or watching other people do so), there's something about the experience of sharing in a couple's special day that can melt even the most hardened cynic's heart... marriage ceremonies are universally practiced -- differences in details notwithstanding -- and they are a significant social and communal experience even in this era of shotgun weddings and quickie divorces...

having just come home from the wedding of a highschool friend, i'm inclined to contemplate on the experience rather than catch up on some much needed sleep... especially with recent events in my own personal relationship, such thoughts need airing out -- even if it's simply on this quasi-anonymous-yet-not-so-much medium that's proven to be the saving grace for my sanity... recently, i've adopted Yoda's advice as my personal mantra as i wrestle with the anxiety that's defined my experience with relationships... i've also given much thought to the words of wisdom espoused on one of my favourite shows, all in the hope that i can reconcile my insecurities with the reality that i need to square with and recognize as an overall positive state...

i guess what it comes down to is the risk that underlies marriage (and relationships in general): you can give and give and give -- and even when you think you've given it all, you still want to keep giving -- but you have to bear the risk of losing the very thing you're willing to lose everything else for... it's been said that you shouldn't marry someone you can live with, but rather that you should marry someone you can't live without... but how can we reconcile that with the ideals of personal strength and individual autonomy that we laud in contemporary society?


in the words of Baz Luhrmann, "don’t expect anyone else to support you -- maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse, but you never know when either one might run out"... but as much as i don't need a crutch or want to be reliant, i still want to have someone to look forward to -- to go home to -- at the end of a hard day at work... i think about that scene in Titanic -- no, not the cheesy "I'll never let go, Jack"... but where Isidor and Ida Straus died in each other's arms... -- not to mention people like my grandparents and other couples whose lives have become so intertwined... and wonder if i'll ever experience something like that... and maybe just as (or more?) importantly, i want to experience the joy of holding my newborn baby in my arms... i think i cried the first time i heard Babyface sing, "you were such a lovely, precious sight... when I saw our baby in your eyes..."


am i contemplating nothing but a Disney-esque "happily ever after" fantasy? are my desires simply a product of inculcated social ideals? will i ever learn to trust enough to bear the risk, to allay my insecurities, to live and love in the moment? how and when is it that we find contentment in our choices and no longer presume our mistakes to be mistakes, but our destiny? is it possible to find "a love that's modern enough to survive the times and old-fashioned enough to last forever"? i guess only time will tell, right?

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random road trips rule!

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what a crazy, fantastic long weekend!

originally, it was a simple plan to just have an overnight getaway to niagara falls, then perhaps spend the day at Six Flags Darien Lake (riding the Superman rollercoaster, of course!)... well, we did that...

along with a whole bunch of other stuff... to say the least!

we decided to make the most of the long weekend and, on a whim, extend the road trip to my favourite city... surprisingly, we made it in one piece without getting lost, despite not planning ahead (as someone with OCPD like myself is wont to do)... we wandered around Central Park, saw the matinee performance of A Street Car Named Desire and Chicago in the evening, and basically spent the day soaking in (literally at some points in the afternoon) the Big Apple... the shows were fantastic, and no amount of raving could really do justice to describe the awesome experience (especially for theatre buffs like us) of seeing something on Broadway...

after many hours on the road and many songs in the car and many (American) dollars spent shopping (YAY outlet malls!) and on travel expenses, we got home monday night -- exhausted but very enthused... spending this awesome weekend together went a long way to bring us closer after recent events, and it (along with the increasing amount of sunshine we've been getting as of late) has made me more optimistic for the days and months ahead...

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succumbed to the Dark Side

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for those who were expecting some kind of Homerian epic or Shakespearean poetic dialogue, get over it! it's Star Wars, after all... i fully enjoyed the movie, precisely because it did what it was supposed to do -- entertain me... the plot was incredibly satisfying, tying together everything from the prequels and the original trilogy into a great melodrama...

Anakin's succumbing to the Dark Side is a truly haunting transformation...

and, of course, Yoda's philosophy gives one pause to think:

"Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed, that is.
Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose."

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The ecstatic reception for director George Lucas and his new "Star Wars" film in Cannes this week reminded us of other creative people who have had to look to France to find the respect they were missing at home. One was Alfred Hitchcock, who was elevated from thrillmeister to true artiste only when his work was blessed by director Francois Truffaut and other French arbiters of culture. Now Mr. Lucas, apparently due in part to an anti-Bush, anti-Iraq War message detected in "Star Wars: Episode III -- Revenge of the Sith," finds himself a sudden darling of the Cannes intelligentsia.

What's got some people cheering and others frowning about Mr. Lucas's latest movie is the assumption that it is an indictment of the Bush administration for allegedly abusing power in order to wage war and persuade the American people to abandon central tenets of democracy. One supposed tipoff is a scene where the villainous Chancellor assumes emergency powers. When a compliant senate applauds him, a character laments: "So this is how democracy dies -- to thunderous applause."

Then there is the moment when the character who will become the dreadful Darth Vader says that those who are not with him "are my enemy." That line is being read as a disparaging echo of President Bush's post-9/11 comment that "you're either with us or against us in the fight against terror."

Asked at Cannes about the meaning of his movie, Mr. Lucas has been rather coy. Perhaps reluctant for commercial reasons to let the Bush-administration analogy be taken too seriously, the director keeps insisting that he wrote the basic "Star Wars" saga decades ago. He was thinking of Hitler, Vietnam, Watergate and Nixon, he has said at various times; and if recent events have proved him prescient, that just shows that history keeps repeating itself. Though he couldn't resist adding in Cannes that "the parallels between what we did in Vietnam and what we're doing in Iraq now are unbelievable."

In truth, the themes of "Star Wars" are so universal, and so familiar (like Darth Vader, Satan is a former good guy gone over to the dark side), that they can be read any way one likes. The message that freedom and democracy must be vigilantly protected is always worth repeating. The only question is whether America today fits the description of a corrupt empire led by a dictator; and even if Mr. Lucas does believe that, "Sith" is not going to change any more minds than "Fahrenheit 9/11" did.

Meanwhile, why not let the master entertainer and merchandiser of the "Star Wars" franchise enjoy the rare taste of haute acclaim?

-- Wall Street Journal (2005/05/20)

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eternally recurring existential angst

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talk about dilemmas and regrets... this is why i'm riddled with so much anxiety... it's a crazy world we live in... with so many causes to fight for and to worry about, how can one keep his sanity and not get jaded?

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Barely three weeks ago, Time Magazine named Stephen Lewis as one of the world's 100 most influential people. He was placed in the "Heroes and Icons" category by Time's editors. It was a tremendous honour for the Toronto resident, who was cited for his work over the last four years as U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan's special envoy for HIV/AIDS in Africa. Since 2001, Lewis has travelled the world trying to raise awareness about HIV/AIDS in his beloved Africa, which he first visited 45 years ago, and to help in large and small ways in getting drugs, diagnostic equipment and medical supplies and staff to stricken areas.

And yet, despite being ranked among the top-100 influentials, Lewis is himself starting to question whether he is having any influence on easing what he calls "the human carnage" of AIDS. Is he having a real impact? Or does the long-time diplomat just feel frustration and despair these days? "I've been wrestling with that a lot. The implications worry me because they strike close to the heart."

It is early Monday morning as he starts what will be another week of meetings and conferences to talk about HIV/AIDS. And while it may be too early in the day for deep reflections on whether he has made a difference, Lewis struggles to answer. His is an almost impossible job, trying to bring hope to a continent where tens of millions have died of AIDS in the last two decades, where whole villages are noticeable for their shortage of people in their 30s, 40s and 50s, where leaders are overwhelmed.

To many outside observers, the United Nations is clearly failing to deal effectively with the crisis. There is seemingly within the U.N. bureaucracy an inertia, a treading of water. For example, there are 14 million orphans already in Africa, and little has been done to respond. And barely 10 per cent of women on the continent have access to programs to prevent transmission of the disease to their children. It's heartbreaking that big agencies, such as UNICEF, have failed to focus sufficiently on the problem.

Lewis, however, is loath to criticize the U.N. and tries to remain optimistic. On the positive side, he believes his role as Annan's envoy, which is only a part-time job, is useful in terms of focusing international attention on the issue. He points specifically to small achievements, such as the contribution of the Ontario Hospital Association, which is working in Lesotho to provide professional assistance to doctors, nurses, pharmacists and others. "I don't pretend it (his role) has made a major difference, but any difference is useful in this battle," he says.

"Overall," he says with a sigh, "a pretty limited contribution, I think. I feel more anxiety and anger and despair than I am suffused by optimism and anticipation. It's a pretty tough business. I've come to the point where it as though saving one human life is what it's all about. In the beginning, there were these huge numbers and you wanted to drive everything forward. Now I think, 'Can we somehow save those five lives in Zanzibar? Can we somehow keep those 10 people alive in Malawi?' In a sense, the human carnage is just beginning. That's why I feel so frantic."

-- BOB HEPBURN, Toronto Star (2005/05/14)

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Canadians may be split on the issue of gay marriage. But in other respects, this is a tolerant country. The era when gay men and women felt ashamed about their sexual orientation is fading quickly. The same, sadly, is not true in the United States. As a trio of cases in that country shows, being gay is still seen as a mark of shame. And for those gays who happen to also be conservative, it is a source of hypocrisy as well.

Let's start in Spokane, Washington, where the city's 54-year-old Republican Mayor was recently caught in a gay online chat room trying to pick up a 17-year-old boy with promises of sports memorabilia and a city hall internship. Making matters more inconvenient for Mayor James E. West is his legislative record: During his tenure as Republican majority leader in the Washington senate, he attacked every gay-rights measure he could. In the 1980s, he even attempted to bar gays from working in schools. True to form, when the Spokane city council recently tried to extend some basic benefits to domestic partners, he threatened a mayoral veto.

Likewise, consider the recent "Gannongate" affair in Washington, D.C. Until last winter, Jeff Gannon was a reporter for the far-right Talonnews.com, notorious for lobbing embarrassingly soft questions at hard-line Republicans, and denouncing Democrats in all the usual ways. He's also written about homosexual issues, leavening his pieces with sneering references to the "gay agenda" and "practising homosexuals." But not long ago, Gannon was outed as a gay escort and the owner of the Web site hotmilitarystuds.com. His online profile described him as a "hardcore top"; pictures accompanied. Overnight, his conservative benefactors disappeared and Talonnews, now defunct, took his stories off-line.

Until their closeted personal lives became public, these two men posed as loyal right-wing soldiers in America's culture war. But even when they had nothing to hide, a culturally learned tinge of self-loathing shone through. West, for one, told his chat-mate that he doesn't like "the massive political agenda" of most gays. Likewise, in this month's Vanity Fair, Jeff Gannon tries to explain why the gay rights movement has attacked him so energetically: "People like me are a threat to them because there are things that are more important to me than sexual issues ... That's their whole world. It isn't my whole world."

Fine. The dens of drugs and sex that pepper most urban gay villages are off-putting for many people, gay and straight alike. But it's a spurious cop-out to pretend that this is all there is to the "gay agenda." Indeed, the most important "sexual issues" for most gays right now are questions of basic family values: marriage, benefits, adoption rights, hate crimes, anti-discrimination laws. In most of the U.S., the battles in these areas are still pending. In some areas, what progress has been made is now being reversed in state legislatures, town councils and school boards -- thanks in no small part to the political agitation of the likes of these hypocrites.

Even worse is Arthur J. Finkelstein. He's one of America's best political tacticians and the brains behind many of the most outspoken opponents of gay rights. Finkelstein has worked for a parade of fire-breathing social conservatives, including former senator Jesse Helms. In these circles, Helms' assertions that gays are "disgusting people" who lead "immoral lives" are commonplace. For the Helms crowd, naturally, same-sex marriage is anathema. But not, apparently, for Finkelstein. A few weeks ago, he married his male partner of 40 years in a civil ceremony in Massachusetts, where the couple lives with their two adopted children. Safe in a blue state, Finkelstein has been able to buy his family some security from the hateful ripples of the politicians he helps elect.

Canadians tend to go on a bit much about their tolerant ways. But better to bore people with your piety than assault them with intolerance. How fortunate we are to live in a country where gay men do not make careers out of defaming their own kind.

-- Bradley Miller, National Post (2005/05/14)

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personality analyses

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now why couldn't today's counselling session have addressed all this!?

or maybe therapy is nothing more than self-indulgence...

and these quizzes nothing but affirmation of self-identity...

Your #1 Match: ESFJ

The Caregiver You are sympathetic and caring, putting friends and family first. A creature of habit, you prefer routines and have trouble with change. You love being in groups - whether you're helping people or working on a project. You are good at listening, laughing, and bringing out the best in people. You would make a great nurse, social worker, or teacher.

Your #2 Match: ISFJ

The Nurturer You have a strong need to belong, and you very loyal. A good listener, you excel at helping others in practical ways. In your spare time, you enjoy engaging your senses through art, cooking, and music. You find it easy to be devoted to one person, who you do special things for. You would be a good designer, chef, or child psychologist.

Your #3 Match: ENFJ

The Giver You strive to maintain harmony in relationships, and usually succeed. Articulate and enthusiastic, you are good at making personal connections. Sometimes you idealize relationships too much - and end up being let down. You find the most energy and comfort in social situations ... where you shine. You would make a good writer, human resources director, or psychologist.

Your #4 Match: ESFP

The Performer You are a natural performer and happiest when you're entertaining others. A great friend, you are generous, fun-loving and optimistic. You love to laugh - and you like almost all people equally. You accept life as it is, and you do your best to make each day fantastic. You would make a good actor, designer, or counselor.

Your #5 Match: ESTJ

The Guardian You're a natural leader and quick, logical decision maker. Goals are important in your life, and you take many steps to acheive them. You enjoy interacting with others, mostly through work related activities. Your high energy level means you are great at getting things done! You would make a great teacher, judge, or police detective.

What's Your Personality Type?

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and from a friend's e-mail:

You work hard, seeking success. You are self-sufficient and, in spite of the trials that have beset you in the past, you carry on. You are one to be admired because you take initiative and pursue your objectives single-mindedly. You know that you can 'do it' and what is more, you will - without necessarily being dependent upon the goodwill of others.

You 'need to be needed'. As an idealist you are intolerant of anything short of special consideration from those close to you. If you do not get what you seek you are apt to become reclusive and you will close the doors on all those within your sphere of influence.

You give the impression that you are a self-sufficient individual, pretending that you are stoical - indifferent to pain or pleasure. But this is not so, for in truth you are an extremely emotional person, one that may make hasty decisions and perhaps repent at leisure.

Stresses resulting from a recent disappointment have led to considerable trepidation. It would seem that there seems to be so much left undone. Everything surrounds you with that air of uncertainty. You badly need to feel a sense of security and whatever it takes to protect you against further disappointment. At this particular time you doubt that things could be any better in the future but you are sticking to your guns and refusing to take advice from any source.

You are presently worried about your future and you feel that whatever you do will go wrong. At this time you are your own worst enemy. All the disappointment that you have experienced, coupled with the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals, have led to anxiety.

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appalled

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The fruit machine is a jocular term for a device developed in Canada that was supposed to be able to identify homosexuals. The subjects were made to view pornography, and the device measured the pupils of the eyes, perspiration, and pulse for a supposed erotic response. The chair was like that in a dentist office. It had a pulley with a camera going towards the pupils. There was a black box in front of it that showed pictures. The pictures ranged from the mundane to sexually explicit photos of men and women. People were told the machine was to rate stress. After knowledge of its real purpose became widespread, few people volunteered for it.

The machine was employed in Canada in the 1950s and 1960s during a campaign to eliminate all homosexuals from the civil service, the RCMP, and the military. A substantial number of workers did lose their jobs. Although funding for the "fruit machine" project was cut off in the late 1960s, the investigations continued, and the RCMP collected files on over 9,000 suspected homosexuals.

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but while times and policies may have changed since, it would be naive of us to think that discrimination has ceased to exist altogether... i stumbled on this little factoid while listening to a CBC report discussing some of the less heroic aspects of Canada's military history... while we celebrate the 20th anniversary of the coming-into-effect of the equality guarantee of the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms and the 60th anniversary of the end of the Second World War -- and with it, supposedly the victory over injustice and tyranny -- let us not forget that the fight to protect human rights, equality, and justice continues today...

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eternal sunshine of the spotless mind...

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O'er the twilight groves and dusky caves,
Long-sounding aisles, and intermingled graves,
Black Melancholy sits, and round her throws
A death-like silence, and a dread repose:
Her gloomy presence saddens all the scene,
Shades ev'ry flow'r, and darkens ev'ry green,
Deepens the murmur of the falling floods,
And breathes a browner horror on the woods.
Yet here for ever, ever must I stay;
Sad proof how well a lover can obey!

Death, only death, can break the lasting chain;
And here, ev'n then, shall my cold dust remain,
Here all its frailties, all its flames resign,
And wait till 'tis no sin to mix with thine.
Ah wretch! believ'd the spouse of God in vain,
Confess'd within the slave of love and man.
Assist me, Heav'n! but whence arose that pray'r?
Sprung it from piety, or from despair?
Ev'n here, where frozen chastity retires,
Love finds an altar for forbidden fires.

I ought to grieve, but cannot what I ought;
I mourn the lover, not lament the fault;
I view my crime, but kindle at the view,
Repent old pleasures, and solicit new;
Now turn'd to Heav'n, I weep my past offence,
Now think of thee, and curse my innocence.
Of all affliction taught a lover yet,
'Tis sure the hardest science to forget!

How shall I lose the sin, yet keep the sense,
And love th' offender, yet detest th' offence?
How the dear object from the crime remove,
Or how distinguish penitence from love?
Unequal task! a passion to resign,
For hearts so touch'd, so pierc'd, so lost as mine.
Ere such a soul regains its peaceful state,
How often must it love, how often hate!
How often hope, despair, resent, regret,
Conceal, disdain — do all things but forget.
But let Heav'n seize it, all at once 'tis fir'd;
Not touch'd, but rapt; not waken'd, but inspir'd!

Oh come! oh teach me nature to subdue,
Renounce my love, my life, myself — and you.
Fill my fond heart with God alone, for he
Alone can rival, can succeed to thee.
How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!

-- Alexander Pope, "Eloisa to Abelard"

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disenfranchised and disenchanted...

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This 20-something-year-old, well-educated, currently unemployed, immigrant Canadian drowning in student loan payments and a series of short-term jobs that provide absolutely no benefits is sick and tired of the constant bad news from the Gomery inquiry and the whole Canadian political scene. Sick of politicians who cater to their needs and not my own. Tired of political parties that bicker among themselves about stuff that has nothing to do with me, or ignore the things that do, while constantly finding creative ways to take what few pennies I've got.

I suppose I could be happy about having the government's hand in my pocket if I could just see where my money goes. Instead I get to hear about AdScam, bad subs, a weak army, a crappy transit system, immigrants with PhDs who drive cabs, marijuana grow ops in my community, an unfair immigration system, Canadians dying in hospital emergency rooms while waiting for a doctor, and how good we are compared with those evil Americans. Who cares about the "evil" Americans when I am unhappy with my own government? Are we so preoccupied with the rest of the world and the Americans that we have failed to notice how much trouble we have in our own backyard?

Our government has done good things for our country, but it has also left me scratching my head at times. What I am looking for (and I'm pretty sure you are, too) is a government that cares deeply about the average Joe. People like you and me. I want leaders who understand that we work hard and want our taxes to do great things for our nation. I am hoping and praying for leaders who can inspire me and make me proud to be a Canadian. I want leaders who inspire me to the point where I would stand in rain, sleet or snow just to shake their hands.

When I, like most immigrants am struggling to make my way in this country, hear how our hard-earned dollars are wasted I become infuriated. How can I feel good about a country that allows its citizens to sleep on the streets, its children to starve because their parents can't make a decent wage, or that allows its black youth to drop out of its public school system at an alarming rate? How can I feel proud under the Maple Leaf when I know that the guy who is driving me down to Union Station in his cab is really a family doctor who came to this country because he was duped into thinking that he was really wanted? Why should I feel that my government is doing right when I must step over homeless people to get to my destination in downtown Toronto? Why should I feel good about a country that allows criminals to roam the streets shooting innocent women and children?

It is time that we practise what we preach. If we truly are a nation that values democracy, equality, transparency, honesty, fairness, peace and social justice, then let us demand the same from our leaders and ourselves.

-- Keron Cato, TORONTO STAR (05/05/05)

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how to motivate kids...

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Little Zachary, a Jewish kid, was doing very badly in math.

His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers... in short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner and, to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word. In no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his is room, and hit the books. With great trepidation his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math.

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and asked, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head 'no'. "Well, then," she pressed, "Was it the books? the discipline? the structure? the uniforms? WHAT was it?"


Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't f*ck*ng around!"

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